Fighting from depression is like fighting with yourself to survive”
My name is Ishaan Sharma. I am from India, still searching for peace in life. First I thought of writing my story when I will become successful but now my heart is filled with thoughts & also believe you are never early or never too late to share a thought. There is a famous quote saying ‘Life is a journey with problems to solve & lessons to learn but most of all. Experience to enjoy.’
I was a happy & normal child till age 5 but, when there is something written in your fate which you cannot deny, run from it. You have to face it.
I was diagnosed with epilepsy. Seizures are scary, breathtaking. I still remember my seizure experience when I couldn’t control my running eyes, shaking body till I got fainted. During the early days, it was not that diagnosable that it should be. My childhood is most of the time is filled from doctor to doctor to various hospitals. It took almost 8 years to properly get the medicine that actually can stop it.
I was a school going, it went worse when I got seizures in school, the teacher couldn’t understand what's happening to me she started slapping to me. (actually, it's the normal way to bring people back in consciousness, my parents did this too). I was in 4th std. I have several issues with learning its like ADHD disorder (or maybe it was) as I have difficulty in concentration which I am still having. I was having trouble going to school regularly, not having many friends I was restricted to play go outside due to fear of seizures.
I was feared of sleep because I don't want to have nightmares & seizures. Most of the time was gone at the home. a very few times I went to my friend's house. (actually, it is hard for me to make friends).
It was almost 5 years of medicine course which was completed, it stops my medicine.
I was happy.
Not for many days.
Worse is yet to come.
Starting of miserable life
I was still in my school. suddenly, I stopped going to school. It was happening, I was stopped myself going outside my house, not meeting people except my own family. Sometimes, my friend makes me go outside in a month, years. I was scared of people. I was sad every time nonstop crying wanting to end my life. I wasted 5 years in it. It took me 5 years to analyze what’s wrong with me.
What was it?
It was Depression.
I don't remember when it started maybe in 2005. it is very easy to say that the child is weak, not good parenting without knowing the actual truth of what he is going through.
Many time I was scolded by my family but, that's just okay, I understand now.
when I was in depression it felt like a prison.
It is very easy for people to assume anyone is mad without having a back story. sometimes people tell my parents to take him to the special school meant for ‘Special children’. My parents denied that some make jokes about me that how can he is being that stupid. There was a time I felt to be going to a special school I know what they are meant to be but, having thoughts of they may treat me differently. I was afraid of regular teacher scolding which was converted into DIDASKALEINOPHOBIA(the fear of school). It is not normal in a country like India children from good families are not going to school.
There is a saying ‘LOOSE SCREW’ for people who are mentally ill. some said on my face. I genuinely tried to fix my screw with a screwdriver (now I believe that was funny). I started hurting myself with anything I have it could be a stick, bottle, wall, etc., to my head to fix it like any other boy in my age group. I only wanted to change my life like a normal boy I see out of my window playing. It was very hard for agoraphobic like to me go out & ask them to play with me.
I had suicidal tendencies. I have tried many ways to kill myself but somehow I have survived.
Most people with having depression are hungry for love. The amount of love they wanted must be unconditional. It could mental or physical. I felt for this too. Family love is important as their love is unconditional. I have a joint family & got love & support from everybody. But, sometimes you may felt there must be someone only for you. I felt that too but you can’t force anybody to be part of your miserable life. They have their own life. Everyone has a different problem, understanding they have the right to move on.
It was a very good initiative by the government of India, that they facilitate Open Schooling that made me study from home. I started studying ‘Psychology’ as it was my subject. Now, I getting to know what is wrong in me, why i’s so different from others. I’m having a mental illness that no one can understand. I used to watch myself in the mirror & ask myself what causes me to fell into depression, was is my looks(too thin), crooked teeth(still having) or not going to school failed love, etc.,
The Turning point
By the time I reach graduation, I was completely broke, lonely, with zero motivation, no friends & Extreme Social Phobia. But, I wanted the change, so I took admission in ‘MASS MEDIA’ because I wanted to become social again. It was a new experience I wanted to change and it was not possible without taking proper medicines. I told my family that I wanted to visit a psychiatrist first they denied that (because going to a psychiatrist means you are a mental person it's a Taboo). After some time they agreed, I started visiting a psychiatrist and taking medicine. It was the best decision of my life I was changing, I was becoming confident, being social, going out, and travelling alone. I was becoming a happy person. I can do something in life.
Suddenly, one day I got fainted again and again. I went to my doctor again only to know that I am having my Delusion again. My seizures are back. I felt like its a rewind of my life.
I was in my medicine again. Now, this time I was with anti-depression pills. Sometimes, I felt why I am going through this, why I needed to go to the psychiatrist, why I’m going to buy anti-depression pills every month. I cried Sometime in chemist watching myself buying anti-depression pills. I was ashamed of it. I finished my graduation in 2018.
I started an internship in Local news channels. I felt I was not enough paced for this. I left it and started photography. I joined a photography course, I am still learning photography and I wanted to make a career in it. It is hard being with introvert with social phobias, lack of decision-making ability, confusion all the time.
Now, I started going to events shooting with my camera. But not gaining much but I have a vision, now I don’t need to not to end life.
Worldwide lockdown hits everybody. I always wanted to see myself as a responsible person. I wanted to cover-up all my miserable years all of the sudden. I become too hard on myself for not giving financial support to the family. I felt pressurized. I was helpless, hopeless wanted to end my life. I never wanted a painful death. I have done nothing wrong, it should be simple, I took pills tried to cut myself, and promised myself I will not survive beyond this year.
I died that year.
I STOPPED TAKING PILLS
I killed my insecurities, ended my Stigma of depression. I still have some social issues by the time I will remove them also.
I still have lessor friends having a lonely life but now I am used to it. I’m enjoying life learning new things and hope for being successful one day not in a hurry.
The most important thing for me is ‘I AM STILL ALIVE.’
Note:- I am not a frequent writer there must be some grammatical mistakes, please ignore. it took me 2 days to write all my life. please don’t remark negatively I have a lot to explain.